Letting Go

Fear can be a debilitating force, I have unwittingly stopped myself from writing largely due out of fear of making bad writing. I have accepted the fact that I may not be able to craft the best piece out here, but rather to let go of an increasingly disturbing noise existing inside my head. Noise of being misunderstood.

I will let go, let go of the need to make a structured thematic writing. Let go of the desire to impulsively check the grammar and the punctuation. Let go of the instinct to judge, how badly written this blog is. Instead, I will focus on letting go what must be let go. All the thoughts and ideas, that have been lurking inside my head for too long.

First of all, let be clear that I am inherently a quite secluded person, initially. I got busy with what's going on inside my mind. I got enchanted by ideas. Time flew by, whenever my mind got preoccupied with the hidden wonder of human thoughts. From the outside, I am very weird. I do what I want. I understand, this won't make me your typical cool friend, nor do I aspire to be one. I am your geeky, weird, and at times difficult to deal with because I might challenge you to think deeply of simple matters. I am driven by possibilities and less grounded in reality.

Saying this out loud may help me understand myself better. Lately, I felt that I may be out of touch with myself. I am losing grip because I try too much to fit in and to be normal. This is due to spending much of childhood being bullied and being thought of as "different", both physically and mentally. To deal with the insecurity, I rely mostly on my intellectual journey to find satisfying explanations. I turn to myself to have deep conversation, also to rant of the unfairness in life. To find solace among the destructive noises out there.

However, years of relying on self does not stop me from secretly fantasizing of the idea of being understood. I wonder sometimes, how comforting would it be, to know someone who shared your both your pain and resilience. To get lost over the same obscure ideas, or to that one distant dream. Although I still wish it, I am getting more realistic by knowing the situation better, I understand now that maybe I need to undergo this silence or the loneliness of being misunderstood for the rest of my life. Not because the world hate me, not because  people around me don't try, but because of the consequences of being different.

I am reminded of the poetic lyrics that tells the story of a broken-hearted artist, Vincent Van Gogh - The Starry Starry Night.

For they could not love you

But still your love was true

And when no hope was left inside

On that starry, starry night

You took your life as lovers often do

But I could have told you, Vincent

This world was never meant

For one as beautiful as you

Knowing that many great people before me also suffer from the loneliness and the pain of being misunderstood put things in perspective. Life is not too bad, in fact the pattern is kind of predictable. At one stage or another, we are and will be misunderstood. How foolish of me to expect the otherwise. I hope to be given wisdom to differentiate what should be expected in life and to separate them from my desire and wish. At this age, distractions are every where: obsession over career and even self development, worry over family and or relationships. Life is a struggle, the sooner we accept the fact, the easier it'd be for us to sail through the raging storm called life.

With this, I'd like to let go - of the frustration that was caused by unrealistic expectation of how my life should be, and to accept the existential pain that comes with leading a principled life.